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The walk

“First step is impossible, second step is anxiety, third step is comfortable, fourth step onward it is liberating”

The night had been an anxious one. I woke up early,  showing little discomfort caused by an erratic sleep. The behemoth task of starting ” Walking in the wee hours” was something I was looking forward to, albeit cautiously. It has been the idea of my friend “B” who constantly whispers ” Its the first step, that is difficult, second step you overcome anxiety, third step you become comfortable and then from fourth step onward you celebrate” or on those similar lines. The task had to be done, for my own sake and for my friend with whom I had a little rough ride over last year.The alarm went by as I was wearing my shoes. I hear the clutter. My friend is already at the gate, waiting.

The conversation ensues.

A: ….(With a simple nod acknowledging the presence of “B”)

B: (Buzzing as always I remember) ” Glad to see you, and good morning”. I am so glad you agreed to do this. I understand, I have been a little tough on you the last year. I hope these walks can mend our ways back

A: (Trying hard to hide my recalcitrant attitude) Yes, let us move on and I hope that throughout this walk you will be my guide and messiah. Its difficult to come to terms after what happened last year, but I am willing to give it a second chance. I have to admit, I am very anxious over this exercise thing but am giving it a shot. I think its worthy.

B: Oh sure do! You do realize, we have already done 300 meters. It is easier said than done, but I think we both should move on.

2 – 3 minutes would  have gone, before we spoke again.

A: Why did you do it?

I received no response, so I tried asking the question differently.

A: You realize what you did could have resulted in terrible disaster for both of us?

B: But it did not. Don’t you think there is a lesson there for both of us?

A: (Ignoring the rhetorical question) Lesson on how to survive or how to be cautious all the time?

B: We came out stronger, we both did. I got myself a tumor without my knowledge and was helpless. I could not communicate in the usual way by giving signs that I am so good at and that you expect from me. I admit, I panicked and that did not go well.

A: Yes, the moment you realize when we are part of the same matrix, it becomes easier to live with each other irrespective of our differences. The problem arises when we both vie to control each other. Who is the master? Who is really the master?

B:  Beautiful gardens, birds are free and chirpy, its a beautiful world out here in the early mornings. What a sight!

A: See, you are distracted. Are you listening?

B:Do you really want me to think about the weakest moment for both of us? Do you want me to take you through our bitter fight? The fight for survival?

A: No, I want your support to get this done with safe and sound.

B: Aye Captain.I agree. After all you are my body, and I am nothing but just the brain.

A: I am happy you acknowledge there is team work involved in survival. It is difficult when you are pit against your own brain and the first best friend you have  made and last one you would ever know. When you know your own brain is plotting against you without coming to terms its full intentions, it becomes a different paradigm of complexities.

B: I agree. It wasn’t easy on my part to put you through it given I control you and I knew I had trouble sewn all over myself. But you know I had to do this for us to communicate better. You are the best friend I have got for you are my body and I am nothing but just the brain. It is about being together and knowing each other what each of us desire. We are one in entirety, but unique in what we seek and what we desire. I could never convince you why I did what I did by growing a tumor on myself. It will always remain a mystery and I would be happy for it to remain locked and never to resurface. However, I have learnt that it is a world beyond our realms of imagination, my imagination lest yours. What do I seek? I still don’t have an answer. But I want to find out, and this is the ” First step” towards reclamation.

A: We are back home. We walked a good 20 minutes. I am glad we did this alone and together.

I looked back and it was no surprise that I saw no one. I had no one to bid good bye and wish a nice day to. I never had a company, but myself. All I had today, was my brain”B” to accompany me for my walk. I realized the conversation was with myself. Brain is the first and last best friend you will ever have or know. I just realized how ignorant I was of my own self and I still happen to be. Last year was  tough. But we both fought the surgery, we survived, we live with zeal and we took the first step towards a purposeful living. First step towards a healthy living. First step towards eradicating ignorance that blinds us on what we really mean to this world. First step towards being happy again.

I could not stop listening to the voice inside. My friend ” B ” was whispering again;

” First step is impossible, second step is anxiety, third step is comfortable, fourth step onward it is liberating”.

 

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